Sometimes the feeling of sadness just overcomes me. It is like a black hole forms inside, and all the pain becomes like a million million tiny knives hurtling towards my core. It is dark, too, threatening to expand and fill up my whole being. I usually don’t know whether to cry or scream. Whether to curl up in a ball or run out into the street.
Tonight, I saw a picture of the puppy that used to love me, the one I lost in the divorce, my little Rufus. I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead, but I miss him. I miss the person I was when he was still a part of my life. And maybe I even miss that life, even though I know now that it wasn’t what I thought. It wasn’t meant to be my forever. Or my happily ever after.
I want to believe, though, that love can’t be subtracted from your life. That maybe that love of/in the past, my puppy, hopefully even my doomed marriage, still exists within me. It was real, and it is mine to keep.