I usually spend a lot of time at the end of the year thinking about all the books, music, movies & other things I’ve enjoyed. Taking stock & picking out my favorites usually brings a sense of order and fun to my end of year. But this year, I just didn’t get around to it.
To be honest, I didn’t listen to much music, and I don’t think I watched many new or notable movies. what I did do, however, was read more books than in recent memory.
Actually I listened to many (but not all) of them. Audible was my bff this past year. I indulged in genre fiction like fantasy and sci-do much more than usual, devouring a half-dozen multi-book series (at a guess).
I might even sit down and pick out some favorites. but in the meantime, here is my Goodreads Year in Books 2022.
Going back through the year, reflecting on things I’ve consumed (whether it be music, books, movies & tv shows, or even just delicious food) has always been one of my favorite things to do. This year, however, I’ve been a little low on the brainpower. Books continued to be a constant companion for me, though. I read real paper version of books, relishing the different smells of paper and ink—as always saving poetry and graphic novels for the printed page. But I also listened to dozens and dozens of books via Audible. I’ve been using Audible since only 2018 but it has truly revolutionized how I read. I can now “read” while driving, cleaning, putting together a puzzle, or just staring at the sky from my seat on the back deck. There must be someone who argues that audiobooks are not really reading, but that person is NOT me. As I get older & my eyes get worse & my time becomes stuffed with too many to-dos, listening to books is my only way to read as much as I love.
So what did I read (in any form)?
If we do the math, I’ve read 60 total books. Forty were works of fiction (13 of those specifically the Dr. Siri Paiboun Mystery Series) Non-fiction, mostly memoirs, totaled 8. Tied at 6 books each, we have poetry and comics/graphic novels.
If you’re a completist, you could go stalk me on GoodReads and see the gritty details. Instead, lets just cover some of my personal trends briefly.
At the beginning of the year, and then again about half-way through, I binged the Dr. Siri Paiboun Mystery Series. These are 15 books, written by Colin Cotterill from 2004 to 2020, that follow the namesake, the national coroner for Laos, as he solves crimes & mysteries in the 1970’s. The books heavily feature the culture, history and politics of Laos, including American participation in the Vietnam War. Even the background scenery was educational, giving me new insight on the country, region, and so many other topics, like the illegal animal/pet trade. But the series isn’t heavy, if I’m making it seem that way. At its core, the books are each self-contained mysteries, just like episodes of a tv show. Beyond the serious topics, there is also magic, religion, love, and friendship. Oh, and communism.
12 out of 15 books in the Dr. Siri series, original cover art.
I was just trying to think how on earth I ended up reading this series, out of all the possible mystery series on earth, and I realize now that it was suggested by Audible’s algorithm after I read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures by Anne Fadiman, a 1998 non-fiction book about the Hmong people, their flight from oppression in Laos, and one family in particular’s journey through the American medical system.
Another series that I finished was the Hell’s Library Trilogy by AJ Hackwith. The series follows main character Claire (& several other central characters added along the way) as she care for books in “The Unwritten Wing” of the all-encompassing library, and then as she is expelled to “The Arcane Wing” where she curates all manner of magical/sinister objects. She also visits many other realms and their respective libraries, with repeat visits to Valhalla and also The Dust Library (where books go after they have been read and/or remembered for the very last time on Earth). There are muses, fallen angels, one conflicted Hero escaped from his book, a whole wing full of damsels who chose to leave their unwritten books and live in the library, and of course death, whose name is Walter.
The Library of the Unwritten, first in the trilogy by AJ Hackwith
As an interesting aside, I have found a distinct topic missing from Wikipedia. The author, the individual books, even the Hell’s Library trilogy itself, of the above-discussed series. I didn’t even realize this was possible!
Another trend I’ve discovered in my 2021 in books review is a new favorite author: Silvia Moreno-Garcia. She is a Mexican-Canadian author who has published a spectacular amount of great short stories and novels in her young career. Based on what I’ve read in various biographies, she’s definitely into weird & speculative fiction. I was turned onto her 2020 Nebula Award nominated book Mexican Gothic by The Fantastic Strangelings Bookclub. This oddly and aptly named club was founded by The Bloggess Jenny Lawson, who is herself a hilarious and moving author with this year’s book Broken winning a GoodReads Choice Award.
Bestseller Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Let me just say that I am not an official member of The Fantastic Strangelings Bookclub, since I don’t have enough room in my house for MORE paper books. I consider myself an honorary member though, having been a devout reader of The Bloggess since the early 00’s and a bonafide weirdo since the early forever. Jenny Lawson chooses a wide variety of books, but she definitely has a penchant for slightly magical historical fiction. I was skeptical for a long time, but once I finally hopped on the bandwagon, I’m hooked. (Oh so many horrible metaphors/cliches in this paragraph.) After reading Mexican Gothic, I quickly moved on to 2019’s Gods of Jade and Shadows followed by The Beautiful Ones. If you’re in doubt about whether you’d like any of these books, just take a chance. You could find a new favorite author like me!
Well, its after midnight now. We’ve officially entered 2022. I crossed the threshold of the year here at my desk, watching Matrix Resurrections (for the third time). My neighborhood is filled with the sound of fireworks— people celebrating the end of 2021 or the beginning of a new year. It doesn’t really matter which, because the time on a clock, the date on the calendar, these things don’t matter in the course of a life. The Hell’s Library Trilogy posits that stories are what matter. That indeed stories are the key to unlocking the power of the soul. And Agent Smith from Matrix Resurrections would add “That’s the thing about stories. They never really end.”
Last year in 2020, the world was on fire but so was I, and my music recap shows just how much music I was listening to and how much it was really forming a strong emotional base to my existence. This year, sadly, has just not been the same. Neither my life nor my musical exploration nor in fact the whole of the world seemed quite as colorful or necessary. Partly, I’m sure it was because of my depression–but it also just didn’t feel like a real year. We all muddled through the second year of the pandemic as if on pause. Would something change? Our socially distanced lives, our jobs, our health?
Looking at my Spotify “wrapped” and my “year in review” from Amazon Music (my current main listening spot) revealed very little new music. Very little experimentation and exploration. And honestly, there may have been whole months where I didn’t listen to any music at all. If that is even possible? I spent many days and weeks in total silence, trying to distract from painful feelings with mindless games on my phone and endless naps. And more often than not, when I was figuring out what to listen to, I turned to audiobooks.
I’ll write more in another post about what I’ve been reading, but for now, lets look at the music I did listen to… All of these artists had at least 2 songs on my top 100 songs of the year:
Taylor Swift
Lorde
Miley Cyrus
Billie Eilish
Dua Lipa
Olivia Rodrigo
Doja Cat
Phoebe Bridgers
Sylvan Esso
The National
Black Pumas
Brandi Carlisle
Lizzo
Many of these were holdouts from last year’s heavy rotation, like the tracks from Miley Cyrus’ fantastic and in my opinion underrated girl rock album “Plastic Hearts” or Taylor Swift anthems from her second album of 2020, “evermore.” The same could be said for Dua Lipa who is still on heavy radio rotation with tracks from her hit album “Future Nostalgia” whose first single technically dropped in 2019.
There were more albums that came out in 2020 but continued on my frequent play list throughout 2021, notably Sylvan Esso’s album “Free Love” and Phoebe Bridgers’ “Punisher.” (A side note about the wonderful Phoebe Bridgers: in 2019, she released “Better Oblivion Community Center” with Connor Oberst. This is one of my very favorite albums of all time.)
Although Brandi Carlile released her most recent album “In These Silent Days” in 2021, I listened most to her super-duper groupThe Highwomen (eponymous album released in 2019) with Amanda Shires, Marne Morris, and Natalie Hemby. Somehow, it had taken me 2 years to find the song “Crowded Table” even though I was already aware of and in awe of Carlile’s great song writing and voice.
Black Pumas was another of my late-to-listen favorites, with an eponymous album released in 2019 with Grammy nods and good critical reception in 2020 and increased visibility making the late might tv show rounds while on tour. A prime time special ultimately helped them hit big on tv in 2021: the “Celebrating America” inauguration for Joe Biden.
Lastly, both The National and Lizzo last had albums in 2019 but their songs remain in my frequent play list.
So what new albums did I listen to in 2021??? In no specific order, here are some of them:
Lorde, “Solar Power” 2021: I loved both the title track and the single “Stoned at the Nail Salon” and did listen to the whole album straight through at least a few times when it first dropped.
Billie Eilish, “Happier Than Ever” 2021: shit, yes. This is probably the album I listened to the most this year, along with songs from many of Eilish’s previous albums too. In some ways, I could probably call 2021 the year of Billie. The top tracks in my playlist from “Happier” are “Your Power” and “Lost Cause.” But there are about a dozen other Eilish songs in my top plays, including “everything i wanted,” “my future,” “bellyache,” “lovely,” “you should see my in a crown,” and “Therefore I am.” She speaks deeply to many of the turbulent feelings I’ve experienced this year. And wasn’t there a concert performance and a movie this year? I think so. And I watched it all.
Olivia Rodrigo, “Sour” 2021: her first single “Drivers License” was an ok song that definitely got me singing along in the car, but my favorites from this debut album are “good 4 u” and “deja vu.” Rodrigo’s pop hooks and rock guitar and emotion-laden near-screams speaks to me even though I’m in my forties. You don’t need to be young to feel heartbreak.
Doja Cat, “Planet Her” was a frequent listen because how can you possibly escape this superstar? And speaking of music you cannot and should not escape, Lil Nas X “Montero” l is an absolutely unstoppable hit that must not be skipped. Lana del Rey had two new albums that I enjoyed this year (“Chemtrails Over the Country Club” and “Blue Bannisters”) matching Taylor Swifts’ prodigious 2020 output.
Speaking of Swift, she did release “Red (Taylor’s Version)” this year, and I am always delighted to her the songs I love from that album, such as “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Did I listen to all the new tracks? Yes. But do I remember any of them? Not particularly. I don’t know if its because of my mood lately or just because these tracks were never meant to see the light of day to start with?
Another 2021 release that I assumed would be my favorite next thing on repeat all day? Adele’s “30.” The first single “Easy On Me” is a gorgeous and sing-along-worthy track, but I didn’t find myself as involved with this album as I had expected. It is her divorce album after all… I suspect at least in part, my distance from this album is related to the emotional reticence I feel to even get involved in reliving yet even more feelings from my own divorce. (As if I could escape it, lol.)
As I end this post, writing on NYE itself, it seems to me that this year in music was defined by what my corporate overlords gave to me. I’m a baby of the Amazon Music algorithm this year. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I just hit “My Soundtrack” and let it play. In my top 10 songs, Billie Eilish sings four. I’m just going to call 2021 what it was: the year of Billie. But even though Billie Rules, I have to be totally transparent. The song of the year, the #1 song that I played the most, used the most on social media, and just generally screamed from the inside of my heart: “Cover Me in Sunshine” by Pink & her daughter Willow. Tell me that everything will be alright.
I ended 2020 and started 2121 on an absolute high. I was feeling productive AND creative; plus I was convinced that with some effort, I could change the way I did my job to reduce stress and increase enjoyment / positive results. It was a time when I honestly felt like I was 25 years old again. When I remembered what it felt like to be ME, the me before my marriage, the me before my divorce, the me before covid. It was exhilarating, and it was all thanks to a little rug we’ve probably all seen advertised on tv: Abilify (generic name ariprazole). I started taking it because I was still depressed and low, despite 2 different antidepressants (Paxil and Wellbutrin, generically paroxetine and bupropion, respectively) and years of therapy. And at the smallest dose available of Abilify, my energy came surging back. It’s not that there weren’t problems for me to continue to address in my life (and work) regarding my mental health, it just seemed POSSIBLE to tackle them on Abilify. I felt the effects in as little as 2 weeks.
And for three months, I was in heaven. I started drawing and writing again. I took up pottery with a vigor I didn’t know I had. I think I may have even started this website during this beautiful period. Then at the end of January, my psychiatrist asked if I was still down & if I wanted to increase my dose. And greedy me thought “can I feel better than this??? Yes let’s increase it!”
Within 2 weeks the joint pain and myalgias started. I couldn’t figure out what was going on at first. I just knew that something wasn’t right. Because depression doesn’t usually leave you with a great ability to think positively, and due to the increasing pain, I assumed that this was it. You know, the end of my ability to do anything useful in life— such as walk, work, enjoy anything at all. When my psychiatrist & I figured out that the timing of these problems matched up with my change in Abilify doses, we took action. We tried different doses, both higher and lower. Things got better then worse. And after three months of pain, some days unable to get out of bed at all, I gave up on Abilify.
I tried to be positive, thinking that since I’d made so many positive changes while I was on it, I would be able to keep these new creative habits going. It was okay for awhile.
Then an extended family visit that seriously made me reconsider the aging process and the very nature of what makes you healthy to begin. I could feel it happening, the depression coming back over me like a cloud that casts a shadow across whole mountainsides. I took steps to get a book that I thought would help me for as soon as the family left. I talked about it with my therapist.
But the shadow just intensified until mid-summer when I spent almost all my time in bed, in a dark room, doing absolutely nothing except sleeping. I couldn’t watch tv or read. I could barely handle looking at my phone. This is when I started emphasizing to my therapist that things were getting worse. I couldn’t claw my way out of the darkness. My own thoughts began to scare me. My PTSD was beginning to grow, more triggers, more time spent on absolutely high alert, and so many nightmares that I stopped being able to sleep. I thought a lot about wanting to die. There were nights when I seriously considering checking myself into a psychiatric hospital. July was a dark, dark month.
In August, I started seeing a second therapist who specialized in the treatment of PTSD with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Before you can begin any kind of EMDR, you need to be all in. You have to be able to let go & fully invest in the process. You have to want to do it and believe that it can help you. There can’t be a lingering part of you that thinks the therapy is full of shit, or you’ll never get better, or you’re not even worth treating.
And so my work began with the suicidal part of myself, the part of me that felt the pain too great to continue living. I had to connect deeply to this part in order to figure out why this seemed to be the only option my mind could focus on, to help quiet that part who saw suicide as the best solution for a debilitating problem. I had to sit face-to-face with this part of myself, who I call the grim reaper, and have an honest conversation about why suicide was not a viable solution for the pain. Could I really convince this protective part of me that there was another way? That she was safe despite the pain and that I was working on it so she didn’t need to find a solution, especially such a final one?
It took months to get to know all the vulnerable parts of myself that I’d been trying to silence. To make friends with these parts. And to form a strategic alliance to work together toward healing. It’s been a strange journey filled with unexpected places, people, and animals. My therapist likens my process to shamanic journeying— traveling through an alternate reality where you can meet and work with power animals or other helpful healers. I wasn’t really surprised by the appearance of all the animals, since 10 years earlier when I’d first learned meditation, I was often accompanied by a tiger on my meditations. And that tiger continued to help me through painful periods, although I must admit to being estranged at the start of the EMDR process.
It’s early December and I’ve only done three sessions of official EMDR. Some of it has been transformational, turning bad feelings/memories into stories of growth and resilience. But there has also been pain & the identification of issues more central to being than I could have realized on my own. For instance, the utter feeling of loneliness, soul-shaking alone-ness with no where or one to turn to. I’ve drown in an ocean of blood and destroyed an entire civilization as a fire breathing dragon. I’ve burnt down an entire forest and regrew it tree by tree, life sneaking through the ground like mycelium. I’ve felt the sudden weightlessness of being transformed into a bird mid-flight, giddy with delight at the extraordinary view and the feeling of safety in the air.
Am I excited to end 2021? After all of this, yes. But I know that the turning of one calendar page cannot change a life completely. Still, I hope that 2022 brings many changes. More healing, new work, healthy relationships. I still miss—and honestly grieve—the exuberance that I started this year with. But wasn’t it too good to be true? One pill to offer the rollback of 21 years, the return of youthful energy and optimism? I think so. In order for the gains to be long-lasting, I believe that you need to process the traumas of your life. Nothing can just disappear, not even feelings. So I’ll end the year here: I’m in the middle of the process but I’m hopeful that I’ll keep going. The hope was unfathomable just a few months ago, so that’s progress. Let’s keep making progress!
Besides thinking back on my year, deciding on my favorites, I love the end of the year because I get to read other peoples’ end-of-year lists. It’s almost like a compulsion. Sometimes, I read lists of lists, which is so meta that even Reddit laughs in my face as I fall down the rabbit hole to Wonderland. So here you have it then, the results of my insanity– a small annotated list of my favorite lists, in no particular order.
The first place I go for recommendations is always Maria Popova, the author of the long-running and quite popular site Brain Pickings. She is a supernatural brainiac whose writing I love and whose taste I trust implicitly. Here are her “Favorite Books of 2020,” which we could just as easily rename “Heather’s Reading List for 2021.”
Can you guess another person whose taste I trust implicitly? You may be surprised, but it’s former President Barack Obama. He’s been putting out his “favorites” lists since his time in the Oval Office, and every year I enjoy seeing what he enjoyed and found necessary to read, see and listen to. His reading list is full of books I want to read, and any list of songs that starts off with “Savage Remix” is surely going to be a list I want to make a playlist from. How can you not love Megan Thee Stallion AND Beyoncé?
Pitchfork’s “35 Best Rock Albums of 2020” features 3 of my fave albums: Haim, “Women in Music Pt. III,” Phoebe Bridgers, “Punisher,” and Tame Impala, “The Slow Rush.” So you know someone has good taste… don’t know if it’s me or Pitchfork, but it’s one of us lol.
I am showing my age and my nerdiness here, but I love the NPR music peeps, and I regularly check out their best-of’s, whether it be in podcast or list form. Here is NPR’s 50 Best Albums for 2020 (also see 100 best songs if you’re in the mood)
While I’m repping NPR, let me mention Maureen Corrigan from the podcast Fresh Air and her list of “Books that Will Connect You in a Socially Distant Year.” Her list is an argument that the best books can pull you out of your own solitude and connect you to characters in books in a meaningful and fulfilling way.
Ok, ok, just one more NPR list here. I’ve sort of fallen off my podcast listening this year. So, I haven’t been following “Pop Culture Happy Hour” as closely as I used to. But I still love the gang, led by Linda Holmes. She’s made a list of “50 Wonderful Things from 2020” at her blog.
About half way through this miserable pandemic, we were gifted with a meme. I’ve made a sample for us above with 2 images I’d saved in my phone from NYE last year and NYE this year. Does it elucidate anything about my journey in 2020? I’m not sure–but for certain I wasn’t at work in 2019 NYE and I was in 2020. But both are festive in some ways? This list from Fast Company discusses the varied uses of the meme, one of my favorites of 2020: how it started vs. how it’s going (or how it ended)..
Now let’s talk poetry. I’m going to give you more links for poetry than for other topics individually–for a few reasons. First, lists of best poetry are often short. What can you do with a list of two books? Oh wait, that was MY list that had two poetry books… Oops, moving on. Second, the judgement of poetry can be highly subjective–so a lot of variety is your best bet if you want some recommendations for books to try. And three, poetry books are short, for the most part well under a hundred pages, so you can read more of them!
This first list is from a list I found from a list of lists (ha!) for Hyperallergenic’s “Best Poetry Books of 2020” (see link below). Next, we have the revered New York Times (see link below), who does tend toward the more academic side with it’s poetry judgement, and theGuardian who has high standards and always recommends both some established and new poets. The last list for poetry come from GoodReads Readers Choice, where thousands upon thousands voted and the poetry nominees and winner represent an interesting mix of old school, with Margaret Atwood ultimately taking the prize, and long-established authors such as Naomi Shihab Nye Barbara Kingsolver among the nominees. But there are also those I’d call the Instagram (or is it Tumblr?) poets–Nikita Gill, Rupi Kaur, Amanda Lovelace. They are absolutely adored for the simple emotional punches of their poems and how well they connect with readers. The list also has a ton of black and brown authors representing their cultural perspectives, such as Natalie Diaz and Danez Smith. These are some great books!
The luxury beauty brand Lord Jones gifted our ICU nurses with samples from their CBD skincare line–and their wonderful balm has converted me into a believer of the power of CBD to relieve the aches and pains of nursing’s 12 hour shift strain & exhaust. Allure’s Best of Beauty 2020 contains another CBD balm, this time from coconut oil beauty product maven Kopari. If I can ever find it in stock, I’ll try it and compare to Lord Jones! In the meantime, I just put on some CBD balm to my knees and left shoulder because I’m about to head in for my third shift in a row and I’m sore just thinking about it… Check out the rest of Allure’s Best of 2020 for always great recommendations on beauty, skin and hair care.
For those of you who might have lost track of time during this year that seems to have both lasted forever AND flown by, here’s a list fromMashable of “58 things you probably forgot happened in 2020,” like the J.Lo & Shakira Superbowl Halftime or our practically biblical insect activity–murder hornets & actual locust plagues.
And now we come to the end. Let’s end on a high note with a list of “All the good things that have happened in 2020 from Shondaland.” There are some repeats but also the gems like the viral video that sent Fleetwood Mac to the top of the charts (again)… We have to pinky swear to always remember that Fleetwood Mac was defining music in 2020!
I wasn’t very big on New Year’s resolutions last year, which in hindsight seems just fine, but I did set one goal for myself. To read 30 books. I tracked it using my GoodReads app, since they have a convenient feature for this. And I am shocked to find myself, just a few days before NYE about to finish book number 46! Over 150 percent of my goal. Honestly, this feels really good.
The only questions I’m left with are 1) do I set next year’s reading goal higher than last year’s goal or higher than last’s years’ actual books read, and 2) what were my favorites and least favorites from the past year??? I have been thinking about my faves, and I believe I’ve come to some conclusions. But if you have an opinion on my reading goal, let me know. Last year’s goal was 30 books and I actually read 46. So, should my goal be somewhere in between? I’m thinking 42? (I would say 40 but I just don’t like that number… can’t tell you why).
You can check out the full list of books I read over the past year here on my GoodReads’ Year In Books 2020 but my favorite and least fave books, broken down by categories appear below. There is no rhyme nor reason. These are just the books that really stuck with me, whittled down into a group small enough to be a manageable list.
A note on my failure: I attempted to listen to the Audible version of this book. The voice was distracting at best, and absolutely soul-killing at worst. I tried to restart multiple times, maybe 3 or 4, but just couldn’t do it. There was going to be NO healing with that version, unfortunately.
Up next in my end-of-year musings, a list of other people’s end of year lists, including some of the topics I’ve covered like music or poetry but also branching out to cartoons and live music. Keep an eye over the next few days!
Also up in the new year: site redesign to get the blog posts to the top of the page! Less Scrolling! Yay!
The end of the year is one of the most special times for me. Between Christmas and New Years, I find myself feeling pensive, maybe even nostalgic, about the previous year. And this year, whoa. There’s a lot to process. But I’m going to start with the easy stuff. Music.
I have continued working (and commuting about 30-50 minutes each way) throughout the year. The two things that have gotten me through this, as always, are music! and audiobooks!
For the last few months, however, I’ve been on an all music kick. Oddly enough, this is also how I started the year. The year began for me with upbeat & dance-worthy Dua Lipa while it is ending with a introspective folk/indie Taylor Swift double-header. But don’t worry, I’ve also got Miley Cyrus to lady-rage rock out in a way you just haven’t heard before, bringing back some classics from different decades (and sometimes the original artists too).
What follows are three separate lists. Favorite albums–meaning these are the albums, whole albums from track 1 to the end, that I listened to on repeat. Then there is a list of songs, usually things that were either 1) released by some of my already-fave artists, such as First Aid Kit & Billie Eilish, or 2) recommended by Amazon Music’s “your soundtrack” methodology, especially songs like “Air Forces” by Mustafa or “Control” by Zoe Wees. The third list includes albums that I’m surprised I didn’t listen to more. Maybe I really like a song from the album, such as with Sault, or have previously really liked the band (maybe even enough to see them in concert) as is the case with Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit or the Chicks. Maybe I’ll get to these albums?
Before you scroll to the lists, however, I interrupt you with this Spotify playlist. For each of my fave albums, you get two songs–plus all the other songs. And one song from each album I haven’t really dug into yet as a bonus. Over 2 hours of music to help you pass the time, provide a soundtrack to read the rest of this website, or just get inside my head, you know, whichever you prefer…
What are your favorite albums and/or songs? Should we talk about our least favorite or should I just not mention Harry Styles and Camilla Cabello? Leave any feelings or opinions in the comments! Next LIST in my 2020 list series will be BOOKS! Stay tuned in the coming days.
