I can’t exactly describe why I related to so much of “The Joy of Sad Girl Music” by Laia Garcia-Furtado in Harper’s Bazaar recently, but I think it has something to do with how every band or singer described within was one of the pivotal touchstones of my college / grad school / 20’s / 30’s / everything. I may not have thought about Shirley Manson and Garbage’s epic lyrics recently, but I still feel them in the deep black recesses of my core: “I’m only happy when it rains.”
The article defines and contextualizes the history of “sad girl music” while at the same time implying that perhaps this is not the music of just the 1990’s or sad girls–but that it is the music of Girls Who Feel. This happens to be all girls, but many of us needed permission to feel deeply in the world we grew up in, where getting ahead meant becoming more “masculine” for lack of a better word.
Julian Baker, singer -songwriter of one of my favorite sad-girl songs “Faith Healer,” describes what happens around the time your membership to the Sad Girl Club starts for many of us:
“[T]he existential element that starts to appear when you grow up as a woman in this world and you are, because of your queerness or because of your nongender alignment—or because of just the fact that you’re not a man—deprived of certain opportunities and kept from certain spaces, and you start to really tangibly experience the inhumanity of the world. For me, experiencing that deprivation or exclusion makes you all the more sensitive to the ways that other people are deprived and excluded. And then if you allow yourself to be unguarded about that and feel the natural compassionate response—it is pain, right?” Baker continues. “Like, it’s regret and sadness. And that’s an okay thing to feel. Because if the pain is instructive, the sadness is instructive about how to make a more compassionate world.”
Have you ever been outside on the deck after dark enjoying an alcoholic beverage with friends, and suddenly heard a strange sound? Have you then, almost unconsciously, tried to identify the sound and found yourself muttering, “did you just hear a goat?” And then been absolutely shocked when a friend immediately responded “yea, I totally heard that goat.”
Honestly, me too. I would have been less shocked to hear a coyote howl.
So last year was a bad year for my mental health, and just like some memes I’ve seen, it is difficult to emerge from a depression to a never-ending list of to-dos. One of those task for me is to try to catch up & keep up with this website. I’ve only posted a few articles since December, but I’m getting my shit in order. Part of that is reading over all the links to news stories or features that I saved over the past year.
I’ve written a little bit (or a lot bit) about each link to help you understand why I thought it was noteworthy, and I’ll put them in reverse chronological order, starting in December. After December, I didn’t really save any links because I knew I would be doing this & didn’t want to make my list messy. This seems like a ridiculous idea now, but I’ll start fresh from now on. And I’ll try to keep up with these little bits of news & analysis on a case-by-case or, at the very least, weekly basis.
This list (with pictures) of celebrity deaths of 2021 contains so many important people. I don’t know if it’s my age or the age of “big celebrity” itself that makes 2021’s list so overwhelming. I started writing a list of the people whose loss I felt most acutely, but soon my list filled an entire pace and carried over to a second. You’ll see when you click through. What a year.
For those of us who might prefer the books to the movies, here’s a list to prepare for 15 book-to-screen transitions happening in 2022 (happily including many Classics like Jane Austin).
July 18, 2021 – “Oh Happy Day” Oakland’s Controversial Gospel
There’s a catchy hymn in Sister Act 2 called “Oh Happy Day.” It’s also appeared in a handful of other movies, and it has been covered by more than 120 musicians. The song was a hit for the Edwin Hawkins Singers, but also drew controversies from most churches in the Bay Area, especially the Pentecostal church that it originated from. For a more exhaustive look at the controversies and the achievements of one of our favorite Gospel songs, click through to read more.
First of all, why did Panera make a swimsuit collection? Second,why does it have broccoli on it??? Is broccoli cheddar soup really that popular? Has broccoli become suddenly trendy? Do a lot of people take broccoli to the beach? Never mind the questions though. I’m actually kind of sad that it was all sold out before I even heard about it!.
“Every summer gets its own unique soundtrack — a fresh batch of hit songs, all vying for an unofficial title: Song Of The Summer. Often these songs are on the wind, everywhere, dominating not just the airwaves, but also the cultural conversation. And sometimes, a song of the summer is just a great new music discovery.”
And every summer, I love watching the competition for song of summer. From NPR Music’s playlists, I can honestly say that (in retrospect), my song for last summer was Olivia Rodrigo’s “good 4 u.” What a great, rockin’, screaming girl power breakup song. I’m still scream-singing it in my car on a regular basis.
Another list of books to read, this time poetry-specific. I’m always surprised to see poetry recommendations from non-literary magazines. Good Housekeeping??? I’ve actually read several of these books and can back up the recommendations.
Have you ever wanted to learn how Corn Nuts became a thing? Well, it all began in the bar, as many great things do, with the salty crunchy nuggets being given away free as snacks for the patrons of post-prohibition watering holes. After a change in ownership of the original company, Corn Nuts grew into an official business in Oakland, California. The article details the entire history, as well as some fascinating details on how the special corn was selected and bred. If you need some fascinating small talk, read this article. You’ll definitely want a bag of super crunchy ranch-flavored Corn Nuts afterwards.
I often post articles about books, lists of books, and literary award winners as reminders to myself that there are some books I need to read. Here is another such list, filled with diverse perspectives and featuring many of my favorite types of authors (ie, women and people of color). It’s been one month short of a year since I saved this article, and I still haven’t read any of these books…
The man, the myth, the San Franciscan. The poet, the painter, and the bookseller. Lawrence Ferlinghetti passed away last February, and I meant to mark the occasion. I only saved the link, however.
If I’ve never mentioned it, I actually went to school for poetry— and have an MFA from the University of Arizona. I moved directly from Tucson, Arizona to San Francisco sight unseen in 1999. And one of my first trips was to City Lights books. A delightful bookstore that you could get lost in for hours; just across an alley from a great little bar called Vesuvio’s (yes, like the volcano that destroyed Pompeii). The bookstore was also directly across the street from what would become two of my favorite places, Specs’ Twelve Adler Museum Cafe and Tosca Cafe.
Both Specs’ and Tosca are less “cafe” then outright bar, although now Tosca seems to be more restaurant. Specs’ quickly became one of my favorite dens of iniquity. The bar had unionized employees, some sort of fisherman’s union according to one of the bartenders. The walls are covered in tchotchkes, signs, fishing memorabilia, and even the bone of a whale penis. The door to the women’s room was always propped open and conversation flowed between patrons huddled near the mirror at the single sink. They had a giant wheel of cheese and served a little red basket filled with saltines and a hunk of cheese chopped off with what looked like an old grade school paper cutter. That cheese saved my empty stomach more than once! And Tosca was right next to Specs’, across another alley but really steps away.Tosca was a must-visit location for my first days in San Francisco because it was featured romantically in my favorite movie at that time, Wim Wenders’ “Until the End of the World.” Tosca is known for its bright red leatherette booths, it’s gorgeous long bar with a fantastical looking machine used to make the Irish Coffees, bartenders with the old-fashioned white coats, a jukebox with opera, and a legendary back room with a pool table where the literary elite hung out with the manager.
North Beach was definitely my preferred neighborhood to hang out in when I moved to San Francisco. In addition to the 3 bars & bookstore, I had 2 other frequented spots. One was a tiki bar called the Bamboo Hut, where I danced and laughed and probably tortured the bartender Steve. I closed most of my Friday nights in North Beach at this place, which was connected by regular door in the wall to the HiBall Club, where we snuck occasionally to swing dance. But we always went back to the Bamboo Hut because it was just more fun. The next most visited spot was Caffe Trieste, an actual coffee shop which describes itself as “the first espresso shop on the West Coast in 1952.” It was a place I lingered, often at tables on the sidewalk, hoping that I’d get a glimpse and maybe a quick chat from Ferlinghetti himself. He lived in North Beach and was rumored to hit up Trieste often, and I was a poetry fan girl.
James Baldwin’s entire record collection made into a giant playlist. Definitely worth checking out, even if we don’t like Spotify anymore. We know the difference between listening to Joe Rogan and listening to the music listened to by one of America’s greatest writers.
After settling a gender discrimination lawsuit against former COO for $22 million, Pinterest needs to change what has been called its widespread discriminatory and retaliatory culture. I find the news of these workplace problems so disheartening, especially considering Pinterest is an overwhelmingly “female” product. Just another example of using women as a product, as a way to make money, but disregarding the actual women who work for you. Also, why is Pinterest run by a man???? This leaves an incredibly bad taste in my mouth.
Brussels sprouts, carrots of many colors, spicy carrots (aka parsnips), and red bell pepper. Cuttings from a recent dinner prep.
Things are nostalgic in my house right now for reasons outside of my control (my sister is breaking up with her partner of nearly 4 years), and its making me think about my past as well. One of the memories that I think about often, nearly every time I eat Brussels sprouts, is my dog Rufus. He loved the leaves I peeled off the sprouts as I prepared them. Like an unusual love for the mini cabbage-like sprout tops. And the picture above shows other veggies I regularly eat and therefore fed to my pup as well. While he stopped really like carrots around age 7, he always relished red bell peppers.
Rufus doesn’t live with me anymore, though. He’s spending his golden years with his Dad, my ex-husband, and his new family including a furry new brother, Franklin. There are times when I miss him powerfully. I used to sleep with him during the day after I got off night shift. He loved to cuddle on the couch and lick my ears (ew, I know). When I cut Brussels sprout now, though, I can’t help but think of him. He would sit beside me or jump in excitement while I was cutting veggies. It was always fun to make him do tricks like dancing and spinning, and the more pedestrian sit, lay down and roll over. It truly makes me happy to think of those instances.
I don’t attach any regret or divorce sadness or future goals/plans with these memories. They exist only in the moment, and feel as surprising as the initial tingle of bubbles when you take your first sip of carbonated beverage. It feels right. The ability to reminisce about past events without getting stuck in the other feelings such as sadness or anger that sometimes define our thoughts when we think of the past.
Perhaps it is because the memories of Rufus eating Brussels sprouts scraps are so neutral, not centered on other humans, and exist out of time due to the fact that I experienced this literally hundreds of time. I can simply be happy to remember the fun & joy of those moments. When I reflect on these things, while chopping vegetables of course, I wonder about nostalgia. Often it seems like nostalgia is linked with a feeling of loss, such as “this (memory) was back when I was married (which I’ve lost),” or “those were the good ole days,” or the very closely related “it will never be that way again.” Very rarely does nostalgia induce feelings such as joy and happiness without also inducing the undertones of loss, grief, and regret.
The memories of Rufus doing tricks for vegetables are pure joy though. And it feels revolutionary, which leads me to believe that this is how it could be with other nostalgic memories. It feels like living in the moment but instead of applying that to the present moment, it is the past. This feels like goals achieved.
I’d add a picture of Rufus because everyone knows the internet loves pets, but you know what? I checked my cloud and I can’t find any. I’m sure they exist somewhere, but he exists in my memories. Doesn’t help you see a picture, but it feels right to me.
Going back through the year, reflecting on things I’ve consumed (whether it be music, books, movies & tv shows, or even just delicious food) has always been one of my favorite things to do. This year, however, I’ve been a little low on the brainpower. Books continued to be a constant companion for me, though. I read real paper version of books, relishing the different smells of paper and ink—as always saving poetry and graphic novels for the printed page. But I also listened to dozens and dozens of books via Audible. I’ve been using Audible since only 2018 but it has truly revolutionized how I read. I can now “read” while driving, cleaning, putting together a puzzle, or just staring at the sky from my seat on the back deck. There must be someone who argues that audiobooks are not really reading, but that person is NOT me. As I get older & my eyes get worse & my time becomes stuffed with too many to-dos, listening to books is my only way to read as much as I love.
So what did I read (in any form)?
If we do the math, I’ve read 60 total books. Forty were works of fiction (13 of those specifically the Dr. Siri Paiboun Mystery Series) Non-fiction, mostly memoirs, totaled 8. Tied at 6 books each, we have poetry and comics/graphic novels.
If you’re a completist, you could go stalk me on GoodReads and see the gritty details. Instead, lets just cover some of my personal trends briefly.
At the beginning of the year, and then again about half-way through, I binged the Dr. Siri Paiboun Mystery Series. These are 15 books, written by Colin Cotterill from 2004 to 2020, that follow the namesake, the national coroner for Laos, as he solves crimes & mysteries in the 1970’s. The books heavily feature the culture, history and politics of Laos, including American participation in the Vietnam War. Even the background scenery was educational, giving me new insight on the country, region, and so many other topics, like the illegal animal/pet trade. But the series isn’t heavy, if I’m making it seem that way. At its core, the books are each self-contained mysteries, just like episodes of a tv show. Beyond the serious topics, there is also magic, religion, love, and friendship. Oh, and communism.
12 out of 15 books in the Dr. Siri series, original cover art.
I was just trying to think how on earth I ended up reading this series, out of all the possible mystery series on earth, and I realize now that it was suggested by Audible’s algorithm after I read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures by Anne Fadiman, a 1998 non-fiction book about the Hmong people, their flight from oppression in Laos, and one family in particular’s journey through the American medical system.
Another series that I finished was the Hell’s Library Trilogy by AJ Hackwith. The series follows main character Claire (& several other central characters added along the way) as she care for books in “The Unwritten Wing” of the all-encompassing library, and then as she is expelled to “The Arcane Wing” where she curates all manner of magical/sinister objects. She also visits many other realms and their respective libraries, with repeat visits to Valhalla and also The Dust Library (where books go after they have been read and/or remembered for the very last time on Earth). There are muses, fallen angels, one conflicted Hero escaped from his book, a whole wing full of damsels who chose to leave their unwritten books and live in the library, and of course death, whose name is Walter.
The Library of the Unwritten, first in the trilogy by AJ Hackwith
As an interesting aside, I have found a distinct topic missing from Wikipedia. The author, the individual books, even the Hell’s Library trilogy itself, of the above-discussed series. I didn’t even realize this was possible!
Another trend I’ve discovered in my 2021 in books review is a new favorite author: Silvia Moreno-Garcia. She is a Mexican-Canadian author who has published a spectacular amount of great short stories and novels in her young career. Based on what I’ve read in various biographies, she’s definitely into weird & speculative fiction. I was turned onto her 2020 Nebula Award nominated book Mexican Gothic by The Fantastic Strangelings Bookclub. This oddly and aptly named club was founded by The Bloggess Jenny Lawson, who is herself a hilarious and moving author with this year’s book Broken winning a GoodReads Choice Award.
Bestseller Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
Let me just say that I am not an official member of The Fantastic Strangelings Bookclub, since I don’t have enough room in my house for MORE paper books. I consider myself an honorary member though, having been a devout reader of The Bloggess since the early 00’s and a bonafide weirdo since the early forever. Jenny Lawson chooses a wide variety of books, but she definitely has a penchant for slightly magical historical fiction. I was skeptical for a long time, but once I finally hopped on the bandwagon, I’m hooked. (Oh so many horrible metaphors/cliches in this paragraph.) After reading Mexican Gothic, I quickly moved on to 2019’s Gods of Jade and Shadows followed by The Beautiful Ones. If you’re in doubt about whether you’d like any of these books, just take a chance. You could find a new favorite author like me!
Well, its after midnight now. We’ve officially entered 2022. I crossed the threshold of the year here at my desk, watching Matrix Resurrections (for the third time). My neighborhood is filled with the sound of fireworks— people celebrating the end of 2021 or the beginning of a new year. It doesn’t really matter which, because the time on a clock, the date on the calendar, these things don’t matter in the course of a life. The Hell’s Library Trilogy posits that stories are what matter. That indeed stories are the key to unlocking the power of the soul. And Agent Smith from Matrix Resurrections would add “That’s the thing about stories. They never really end.”
Last year in 2020, the world was on fire but so was I, and my music recap shows just how much music I was listening to and how much it was really forming a strong emotional base to my existence. This year, sadly, has just not been the same. Neither my life nor my musical exploration nor in fact the whole of the world seemed quite as colorful or necessary. Partly, I’m sure it was because of my depression–but it also just didn’t feel like a real year. We all muddled through the second year of the pandemic as if on pause. Would something change? Our socially distanced lives, our jobs, our health?
Looking at my Spotify “wrapped” and my “year in review” from Amazon Music (my current main listening spot) revealed very little new music. Very little experimentation and exploration. And honestly, there may have been whole months where I didn’t listen to any music at all. If that is even possible? I spent many days and weeks in total silence, trying to distract from painful feelings with mindless games on my phone and endless naps. And more often than not, when I was figuring out what to listen to, I turned to audiobooks.
I’ll write more in another post about what I’ve been reading, but for now, lets look at the music I did listen to… All of these artists had at least 2 songs on my top 100 songs of the year:
Taylor Swift
Lorde
Miley Cyrus
Billie Eilish
Dua Lipa
Olivia Rodrigo
Doja Cat
Phoebe Bridgers
Sylvan Esso
The National
Black Pumas
Brandi Carlisle
Lizzo
Many of these were holdouts from last year’s heavy rotation, like the tracks from Miley Cyrus’ fantastic and in my opinion underrated girl rock album “Plastic Hearts” or Taylor Swift anthems from her second album of 2020, “evermore.” The same could be said for Dua Lipa who is still on heavy radio rotation with tracks from her hit album “Future Nostalgia” whose first single technically dropped in 2019.
There were more albums that came out in 2020 but continued on my frequent play list throughout 2021, notably Sylvan Esso’s album “Free Love” and Phoebe Bridgers’ “Punisher.” (A side note about the wonderful Phoebe Bridgers: in 2019, she released “Better Oblivion Community Center” with Connor Oberst. This is one of my very favorite albums of all time.)
Although Brandi Carlile released her most recent album “In These Silent Days” in 2021, I listened most to her super-duper groupThe Highwomen (eponymous album released in 2019) with Amanda Shires, Marne Morris, and Natalie Hemby. Somehow, it had taken me 2 years to find the song “Crowded Table” even though I was already aware of and in awe of Carlile’s great song writing and voice.
Black Pumas was another of my late-to-listen favorites, with an eponymous album released in 2019 with Grammy nods and good critical reception in 2020 and increased visibility making the late might tv show rounds while on tour. A prime time special ultimately helped them hit big on tv in 2021: the “Celebrating America” inauguration for Joe Biden.
Lastly, both The National and Lizzo last had albums in 2019 but their songs remain in my frequent play list.
So what new albums did I listen to in 2021??? In no specific order, here are some of them:
Lorde, “Solar Power” 2021: I loved both the title track and the single “Stoned at the Nail Salon” and did listen to the whole album straight through at least a few times when it first dropped.
Billie Eilish, “Happier Than Ever” 2021: shit, yes. This is probably the album I listened to the most this year, along with songs from many of Eilish’s previous albums too. In some ways, I could probably call 2021 the year of Billie. The top tracks in my playlist from “Happier” are “Your Power” and “Lost Cause.” But there are about a dozen other Eilish songs in my top plays, including “everything i wanted,” “my future,” “bellyache,” “lovely,” “you should see my in a crown,” and “Therefore I am.” She speaks deeply to many of the turbulent feelings I’ve experienced this year. And wasn’t there a concert performance and a movie this year? I think so. And I watched it all.
Olivia Rodrigo, “Sour” 2021: her first single “Drivers License” was an ok song that definitely got me singing along in the car, but my favorites from this debut album are “good 4 u” and “deja vu.” Rodrigo’s pop hooks and rock guitar and emotion-laden near-screams speaks to me even though I’m in my forties. You don’t need to be young to feel heartbreak.
Doja Cat, “Planet Her” was a frequent listen because how can you possibly escape this superstar? And speaking of music you cannot and should not escape, Lil Nas X “Montero” l is an absolutely unstoppable hit that must not be skipped. Lana del Rey had two new albums that I enjoyed this year (“Chemtrails Over the Country Club” and “Blue Bannisters”) matching Taylor Swifts’ prodigious 2020 output.
Speaking of Swift, she did release “Red (Taylor’s Version)” this year, and I am always delighted to her the songs I love from that album, such as “I Knew You Were Trouble” and “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Did I listen to all the new tracks? Yes. But do I remember any of them? Not particularly. I don’t know if its because of my mood lately or just because these tracks were never meant to see the light of day to start with?
Another 2021 release that I assumed would be my favorite next thing on repeat all day? Adele’s “30.” The first single “Easy On Me” is a gorgeous and sing-along-worthy track, but I didn’t find myself as involved with this album as I had expected. It is her divorce album after all… I suspect at least in part, my distance from this album is related to the emotional reticence I feel to even get involved in reliving yet even more feelings from my own divorce. (As if I could escape it, lol.)
As I end this post, writing on NYE itself, it seems to me that this year in music was defined by what my corporate overlords gave to me. I’m a baby of the Amazon Music algorithm this year. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I just hit “My Soundtrack” and let it play. In my top 10 songs, Billie Eilish sings four. I’m just going to call 2021 what it was: the year of Billie. But even though Billie Rules, I have to be totally transparent. The song of the year, the #1 song that I played the most, used the most on social media, and just generally screamed from the inside of my heart: “Cover Me in Sunshine” by Pink & her daughter Willow. Tell me that everything will be alright.
I ended 2020 and started 2121 on an absolute high. I was feeling productive AND creative; plus I was convinced that with some effort, I could change the way I did my job to reduce stress and increase enjoyment / positive results. It was a time when I honestly felt like I was 25 years old again. When I remembered what it felt like to be ME, the me before my marriage, the me before my divorce, the me before covid. It was exhilarating, and it was all thanks to a little rug we’ve probably all seen advertised on tv: Abilify (generic name ariprazole). I started taking it because I was still depressed and low, despite 2 different antidepressants (Paxil and Wellbutrin, generically paroxetine and bupropion, respectively) and years of therapy. And at the smallest dose available of Abilify, my energy came surging back. It’s not that there weren’t problems for me to continue to address in my life (and work) regarding my mental health, it just seemed POSSIBLE to tackle them on Abilify. I felt the effects in as little as 2 weeks.
And for three months, I was in heaven. I started drawing and writing again. I took up pottery with a vigor I didn’t know I had. I think I may have even started this website during this beautiful period. Then at the end of January, my psychiatrist asked if I was still down & if I wanted to increase my dose. And greedy me thought “can I feel better than this??? Yes let’s increase it!”
Within 2 weeks the joint pain and myalgias started. I couldn’t figure out what was going on at first. I just knew that something wasn’t right. Because depression doesn’t usually leave you with a great ability to think positively, and due to the increasing pain, I assumed that this was it. You know, the end of my ability to do anything useful in life— such as walk, work, enjoy anything at all. When my psychiatrist & I figured out that the timing of these problems matched up with my change in Abilify doses, we took action. We tried different doses, both higher and lower. Things got better then worse. And after three months of pain, some days unable to get out of bed at all, I gave up on Abilify.
I tried to be positive, thinking that since I’d made so many positive changes while I was on it, I would be able to keep these new creative habits going. It was okay for awhile.
Then an extended family visit that seriously made me reconsider the aging process and the very nature of what makes you healthy to begin. I could feel it happening, the depression coming back over me like a cloud that casts a shadow across whole mountainsides. I took steps to get a book that I thought would help me for as soon as the family left. I talked about it with my therapist.
But the shadow just intensified until mid-summer when I spent almost all my time in bed, in a dark room, doing absolutely nothing except sleeping. I couldn’t watch tv or read. I could barely handle looking at my phone. This is when I started emphasizing to my therapist that things were getting worse. I couldn’t claw my way out of the darkness. My own thoughts began to scare me. My PTSD was beginning to grow, more triggers, more time spent on absolutely high alert, and so many nightmares that I stopped being able to sleep. I thought a lot about wanting to die. There were nights when I seriously considering checking myself into a psychiatric hospital. July was a dark, dark month.
In August, I started seeing a second therapist who specialized in the treatment of PTSD with EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Before you can begin any kind of EMDR, you need to be all in. You have to be able to let go & fully invest in the process. You have to want to do it and believe that it can help you. There can’t be a lingering part of you that thinks the therapy is full of shit, or you’ll never get better, or you’re not even worth treating.
And so my work began with the suicidal part of myself, the part of me that felt the pain too great to continue living. I had to connect deeply to this part in order to figure out why this seemed to be the only option my mind could focus on, to help quiet that part who saw suicide as the best solution for a debilitating problem. I had to sit face-to-face with this part of myself, who I call the grim reaper, and have an honest conversation about why suicide was not a viable solution for the pain. Could I really convince this protective part of me that there was another way? That she was safe despite the pain and that I was working on it so she didn’t need to find a solution, especially such a final one?
It took months to get to know all the vulnerable parts of myself that I’d been trying to silence. To make friends with these parts. And to form a strategic alliance to work together toward healing. It’s been a strange journey filled with unexpected places, people, and animals. My therapist likens my process to shamanic journeying— traveling through an alternate reality where you can meet and work with power animals or other helpful healers. I wasn’t really surprised by the appearance of all the animals, since 10 years earlier when I’d first learned meditation, I was often accompanied by a tiger on my meditations. And that tiger continued to help me through painful periods, although I must admit to being estranged at the start of the EMDR process.
It’s early December and I’ve only done three sessions of official EMDR. Some of it has been transformational, turning bad feelings/memories into stories of growth and resilience. But there has also been pain & the identification of issues more central to being than I could have realized on my own. For instance, the utter feeling of loneliness, soul-shaking alone-ness with no where or one to turn to. I’ve drown in an ocean of blood and destroyed an entire civilization as a fire breathing dragon. I’ve burnt down an entire forest and regrew it tree by tree, life sneaking through the ground like mycelium. I’ve felt the sudden weightlessness of being transformed into a bird mid-flight, giddy with delight at the extraordinary view and the feeling of safety in the air.
Am I excited to end 2021? After all of this, yes. But I know that the turning of one calendar page cannot change a life completely. Still, I hope that 2022 brings many changes. More healing, new work, healthy relationships. I still miss—and honestly grieve—the exuberance that I started this year with. But wasn’t it too good to be true? One pill to offer the rollback of 21 years, the return of youthful energy and optimism? I think so. In order for the gains to be long-lasting, I believe that you need to process the traumas of your life. Nothing can just disappear, not even feelings. So I’ll end the year here: I’m in the middle of the process but I’m hopeful that I’ll keep going. The hope was unfathomable just a few months ago, so that’s progress. Let’s keep making progress!
Second, another new poem. Yup, make that 2 days in a row for those keeping track. Am I healing or hurting? Who knows // little bit o’ both. I’m just gonna keep on writing!
Coming out of a haze of bad medications, coming off several bad PTSD throw-back triggers, fighting depression, and battling covid at work. If last year was bad, this year feels like a grave I keep digging with no end in sight.
Yet, she persisted.
So, two new poems over here. If you’re into that kind of thing.
