& … sometimes looks like standing in front of the refrigerator eating a handful of cold grapes and realizing they taste good, sweet and crunchy.
It’s been a year since I’ve been anywhere that’s not work or home (or twice, my friend Ben’s house, to be completely honest). My roommate, also a nurse, moved back to Reno in August so I haven’t seen her in months! We decided that since we both finished our vaccines in January and covid is waaaay down at our respective hospitals, we would try to rent a house on the Sonoma Coast to enjoy the ocean air.
The house was a very ’90s tri-level with some leftover ’90s nostalgia. But the sunrise and sunset from the deck was beautiful. We mostly hung out on the level with the kitchen/dining room.
We baked some bourbon brown butter blondies (delicious), ate all the best carbs (creamy sausage and broccoli pasta, bread with cheese), did a puzzle & drank a little bourbon. Well, I drank just a tiny bit of bourbon. She prefers wine. We did, however, drink one beer for good measure. We decided to finally see what all the hullaballoo about Pliny the Elder is all about. Turns out, it is really good beer.
After two nights, my friend left, and I spent one day/night gloriously alone. Just me & the birds in the redwoods surrounding the house. I ate our leftovers, enjoyed the warm sun through the giant windows overlooking the dining room table, wrote a new poem, and tried my hand at some watercolor landscapes and redwoods (below).
Three days isn’t that long, but it’s just enough when you need to get away and feel like you’ve been gone just long enough. All the driving also gave me the chance to finish 2 audiobooks, both of which I enjoyed immensely– Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia and The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix.
I took the titles from the reading list for Jenny Lawson’s Fantastic Strangling’s Book Club, which she runs though her website The Bloggess and her store Nowhere Bookshop. Of note, I’m not a member of the book club but I am a card carrying fan of Jenny Lawson. I just didn’t know if I’d love the type of books her book club reads, ie horror or horror-adjacent. I’m still not 100% convinced on the genre fiction, but I can recommend these 2 books. A little supernatural fun always adds to a vacation.
The one thing I couldn’t do on vacation was play with clay. So since I’m back two nights before I have to work, I’m going to take advantage. I’m going to work on my sculpting skills. Next up: a whale?
Well, I complained mightily yesterday about WH Auden’s poem “The More Loving One” as I sat in my grumpy lonely v-day afternoon. I was hoping for love poetry and inspiration, and I guess I’m batting 50% because I ended up with a poem. For the 4 people that will read said poem, it is a little rough, but I like where it arrives. A surprise rhyme ending. Maybe I should call it “Against Auden” since it seems to want to be scholarly (in an MFA kind of way), but for now, its called “On Valentine’s Day I Am Angry” (pdf will open in same tab). Let me know what you think–does Auden deserve my ire?
So it’s Valentines Day. And what’s that feeling in the back of my mind, just hiding, keeping me distracted and unable to focus on any one task? Well, I’m going to be blunt–I think it’s anger.
My morning was productive: painted and glazed some pottery, made some lunch for work, did some dishes. But then, faced with some free time, the knowledge that I just hadn’t been posting like I should (?could) be on here, and a tidy topical holiday, I went online to look for some love poetry. I figured some quick links, some discussion, maybe I’d even get inspired and write some of my own.
It all started well enough at the Poetry Foundation’s Collection of Love Poems. I began clicking & reading, jotting down notes on poems I found meaningful:
- You Were You Are An Elegy by Mary Jo Bang
- I read this in loving memory of my second ectopic pregnancy
- Yours and Mine by Alice Fulton
- For when you realize sadly that maybe your perspectives on love were always different
- The Nails by WS Merwin
- A breakup poem that captures the moment when you can’t say anything at all
The meaning in “meaningful” was starting to become clear, though, as my sad-girl tendencies reared their ugly heads (like a snake-headed Medusa, each snake a tiny sad girl prepared to paralyze you with emo-eyes, forever trapped in sorrow).
So I gave up, tucked my notes under the edge of my computer, and browsed other topics. One of my favorite website’s author just put out a children’s book based on the left-swirled snail! And behold, it is a happy story!
I can always drown my intellect in Brain Pickings for awhile, but this time, a pop-up distracted me. Don’t get me wrong–it was the best type of pop-up, as it merely suggested that I needed to read a poem and provided me with an excerpt. Delightful! For Valentine’s Day perhaps, the selection was “The More Loving One” by WH Auden (see below).
It is a frequently quoted love poem, meant to embody perhaps true devotion, perhaps unrequited love… The most commonly cited lines are “If equal affection cannot be, / Let the more loving one be me.”
Wanting to reading the whole poem, however, I headed over to the full text at the Academy of American Poetry. Meet me below the embedded poem for some more discussion, after you read it of course. (You may have to scroll & close their email subscription pop-up, ugh.)
The poem’s idea is simple enough. We love the stars, but they don’t give a shit about us. That’s ok though because I’d rather be the lover that the object. But really, how much do I love stars? Well, not enough to miss them during the day, and come to think of it–I’d love the dark sky too. So what is the bottom line? Since the stars can’t love him back, is this lover fickle? Or is he just perhaps another human who loves to play the martyr? And what of his new love, the dark night sky. He loves as a mortal loves. Only that which can be seen and only when he sees it. The stars do not cease to be during the day–only his love ceases. But then again, won’t the darkness fade too? There will be a time when even the wonder-er in this poem (that I call “he”) ceases to be. And what of his love then?
I began to become cynical and judgmental of myself at this point. I cannot even read a beloved Auden poem without becoming enraged at the ineptitude of humans to love. But if I know nothing else, I know that I love love poetry and that in this wide world encompassing centuries of literature, there is some that is not sad or short sighted.
So I turned to some old faves. On the Poetry Foundation’s Collection of Love Poems, I found an ee cummings’ poem that is delightful (and one of his more popular) [love is more thicker than forget]. The last stanza, which I particularly adore, provides perhaps a direct contradiction to Auden’s poem above:
it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky
Gorgeous, isn’t it? Most sane and sunly, just like love.
And on a roll, now, I turn to other poems that have often brought me comfort–haiku. I have a 20, probably more like 25 year old copy of Robert Hass translations of Japanese Haiku by Basho, Issa and Buson that I have always turned to for warmth and wisdom, and also a good laugh. Below I’ll sample a few poems for you.
Having no talent,
I just want to sleep,
you noisy birds.
--Basho The oak tree:
not interested
in cherry blossoms.
--Basho Having reddened the plum blossoms,
the sunset attacks
oaks and pines.
--Buson Don't worry, spiders,
I keep house
casually.
--IssaI just can’t get enough funny haiku. All of these except for one were already marked as favorites of mine. The 2nd haiku (oak trees: not interested) was a new fave for me. I think it speaks to me today as I am acutely aware that I’m coming up on another birthday that is bringing me perilously close to 50 years old. Soon I’ll only be sharing Japanese Death Poetry. But you know what? That might be better than mooning around on You-Know-What day being sad.
I wrote back in December about meeting (and exceeding!) my reading goals for 2020, but I never told you what my resolution for 2021 was going to be. So here I find myself, almost in February, reflecting upon my choice of goal.
I believe in resolutions that are small and achievable. I don’t need another reason to feel like a failure–depression does a bang up job of nagging me about that. I actually became a HUGE proponent of resolutions after my divorce. I engaged in them as a sort of finding-myself escape, choosing behaviors I wanted to incorporate back into my life.
In 2017, I vowed to drink more. Don’t judge me before you hear me out. I always joked about wanting to drink more, because I literally never drank. I wanted to relax and have a glass of wine every now and then. I wanted to go out with friends. And so I started to have some more drinks. I fell in love with Sauvignon Blanc and whiskey. I had a wonderful year and considered it a success. After a few years, however, I find myself back to nearly zero in the alcohol department. I think it’s quarantine…
Back when I was a brunette, on my way to work in my lipstick. Can you say parking garage selfie?
Wear more lipstick was my challenge for 2018 and whoop, did I succeed! I tried crazy colors and normal colors. I took tons of selfies. I fell in love with my lips. I’m still obsessed with lipstick, and until quarantine, you could still see me with lipstick on at work–the tube in my scrub’s pocket for touchups. Now I’m obsessed with lip balm and non-sticky gloss since I wear a mask all the time.
In 2019, I vowed to see more live music. And basically 2 concerts would have been enough to blow away my previous year’s record. Live music was a hallmark of my college years, as big music festivals started with Lallapalooza while I was in college. Violent Femmes were my hometown band (from Milwaukee) and I saw them many times. I also saw They Might Be Giants multiple times in college just because they were so fun. But in 2019, I started with Vance Joy for my birthday, Jason Isbell for the 4th of July, at least 2 bands I can’t remember the names of, and unfortunately had to cancel on First Aid Kit. I was all set to continue this live music resolution into 2020 but by February, we already knew something was wrong.
For 2020, I chose a goal related to reading. I had begun to feel like I wasn’t reading anymore. I wasn’t using my Kindle, but I wasn’t buying paper books either. My eyes were tired after working 12 hour shifts plus commuting. So I signed up for Audible. And I decided to keep track of the books I was reading on GoodReads. I signed up for their yearly personal reading challenge with a goal of 30 books–just over 2 per month. A reasonable goal, I thought, for my first challenge. Well, I exceeded that by 16 books, coming in at 46 total! So, this year my reading goal is 42 books, but I also have a separate resolution.
Lots of people make weight loss resolutions. I will never make one of those. I am, however, trying to move more. I recently came out of a multi-decade depression, so I feel particularly motivated to get a little healthier. I want to feel better when running around at work, walking up hills in San Francisco, etcetera. And the people that say things say that activity helps with depression, which I’ve recently discovered was my terrible and debilitating companion for the past 20 years.
So, how does a person make a resolution related to getting healthier or moving more that they won’t fail? That won’t make them feel like a failure? Something that is achievable?
My apple watch challenges me to meet or beat my “active calorie” goal each day, as well as a stand and exercise goal. I pay the most attention to the calorie goal. When you beat your goal enough times in a row by a large enough margin, the watch will automatically suggest you adjust your goal upwards. I love meeting my goal.
So what, you might be asking yourself? My goal for 2021 is to wear my watch everyday. Even on my days off when I’m just bumming around the house. My resolution is not to beat “the rings,” as the watch’s goals are called. I’m still allowed to fail. I just have to try by wearing the watch. Simple.
So far, I’m succeeding. I’ve worn my watch every day since I decided on this resolution, which is 41 days as of January 30, 2021. And guess what? I’ve beaten my “active calorie” goal every day since then as well, and had my goal increased once–by 40 calories, we are not talking leaps and bounds here. Baby steps. Achievable and measurable. As I just typed that, I realized that what I’ve been doing unconsciously is using the principles of SMART goals from business in order to frame my new year’s resolutions.
I often complain about nursing school, but one useful thing I learned–specifically in the section on how to either do nursing research or make process improvement in the workplace–is to make SMART goals. According to this Mind Tools summary, in order to make your goals “clear and reachable, each one should be:
- Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
- Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
- Achievable (agreed, attainable).
- Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
- Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).”
So how does my watch-wearing resolution fit into this?
- It is simple and specific. Put on my watch every day.
- It is measurable–as long as I wear it, it will gather health data. It is meaningful because the health data will allow me to “complete my rings.” And beating my own goals is motivating.
- Putting on the watch is achievable & attainable, as it is simple (see #1).
- It is relevant and results-oriented because it allows for increased activity and motivational benefits without “failing” a new diet or weight loss plan, like in more traditional resolutions.
- It is a daily goal, in the hopes that it becomes a daily habit. Once in the habit, it should become such an ingrained part of my daily ritual that it is no longer necessary to “resolve” to put the watch on. After one year, I feel confident that this will be the case!!!
Have you made any resolutions this year? How do you make them? Do you use SMART goals, or want to start trying?
I periodically sneak some poetry up on the poetry page without alerting the masses, lol. But I’ve got a couple new ones up in case you’re wondering… Also, I’ve started marking which ones are new since I last announced an update to the page.
So, go ahead and get your moody sad girl poetry on… if that’s your thing 😉
When I was younger, my favorite color could generally be called “blue.” In the crayon days of my childhood, it was blue-green (as opposed to green-blue if you’re old enough to remember the debate). Mostly blue with a little green; what an amazing color. Neither crayon exists now but I did find a picture of my favorite–thank you googs!
In my teens and twenties, my favorite paint color was Prussian Blue. Continuing the blue trend, but with less green undertone. I still like blue, but after years of wearing blue scrubs, I’m a little more partial to greenish blues like Teal or just straight greens–like my new favorite color, Hooker’s Green (named after a British painter). My color evolution…
Police violence is a topic (a cause? a tragedy? a travesty? a crime?) that not only captured our national attention this past year, it angers me to my very core. I believe it to be so widespread as to be a public health crisis, one that especially affects black & brown Americans. In Los Angeles, artist Cara Levine is putting on a show of handmade representations of items that police mistook for a gun, thus leading to an unnecessary and often deadly civilian police shooting–items like a toy truck, sun glasses, a soda can, a hair brush.
She has worked in wood, but over the course of her project, she has invited other activists and co-artists to lead events where members of the public could make clay versions of the items as well. A book has been made from the experiences of this project as well.
But this past year, and the death of George Floyd in particular, has led her to question her place as a white woman in the Black Lives Matter movement. A fascinating project. If you’re in LA, you can make an appointment to see the exhibit, as described in this Guardian article. The artist Cara Levine’s website describes all three parts of this project. And the book specifically is available here.
I haven’t been watching much tv lately. In fact, since impulsively starting this blog ___ months ago, I have only watched ONE new series and a handful of movies. The rest of the time, if there has been a tv on, it was background noise to a craft project or housecleaning and often on the Hallmark Channel, which is just like cookies–ubiquitous for the holidays– or one of two series: “Criminal Minds” and “Supernatural,” both of which I’ve already seen from beginning to end and love, so I can certainly enjoy as background company. Plus, am I allowed to say–cute boys?
Oh jeez, that was distracting. The one series I have watched that I want to recommend to you is “The Wilds” on Amazon Prime. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it. It’s 92% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, and I believe that’s for a few very good reasons.
The show is like “Lost” in a good way. Some teenage girls get stuck on an island after a plane wreck. Emotional and physical drama ensues. But in this world, we see a unique paradigm playing out. How will all girls, on the cusp of womanhood, choose to get along (or not) when the stakes are high. Their backgrounds and ethnicities and life experiences are all different, and each character is fully explored as to how she became who she is–and why. Then there’s the mystery. Was or is there a spy among them? Was the plane crash an accident?
The series continues to explore human relationships in times of serious crisis while also being funny and entertaining. It is the best kind of watchable! It doesn’t feel like junk food. Honestly, by the end of the serioes, I was thinking about feminism and politics and world government and the future of our species in general. This is soul food tv. In 10 episodes, and they’ve already promised a season 2.
You’ve got nothing to lose! Watch it with me!
That wordplay was worse than a bad pun but I can’t help myself. The OG site was ok, actually pretty good for a one-night build at 3 am. But according to the data I have, 85% of you are reading this on a mobile phone, and 15% are on a desktop. I really wanted a site that was easier to read on a phone, and easier to navigate, and maybe even easier on the eyes to read.
Hopefully this redesign does at least #1 of those things for you. You won’t have to scroll past a big colored block & image with pointless text to get to the blog posts. And if you wanted to check out the poetry page (maybe I’ve been secretly uploading more poems without mentioning it??) or the about page, you can now get there from the top menu on every page–it looks like three lines, but its really a drop down menu.
Otherwise the site is as it is. Pretty simple in terms of layout and content. As time goes by, perhaps I’ll want to add more ways for people to look through the archives, etc, but I haven’t been online long enough for any of that nonsense yet.
In the meantime, if I’m not here blogging, I’m either at work or at one of these other sites, taking pictures, categorizing my books, or saving ideas for the zillion craft and art projects of the future. Feel free to drop in on me and say hi!
- Instagram AccidentlyRetro
- GoodReads AccidentlyRetro
- Pinterest AccidentlyRetro
Hope you’re having a great start to your New Year!